Starting and Ending

Beginning and ending every day alone is torture sometimes.
And then there are the days I would not take a thing in world for
days like today. I am not sure this day is going to be one of those days.
I just know that it is starting out as one. I had a great Sunday, but today is Monday.
Yesterday was grand. I got to see the ones I care most about in this world
and one of them shined there ever loving light on me. Showed me a ray of hope for the
future. At two in the morning, with nothing better to do, it feels good to have
hope. I made myself a promise, not to give up, no matter what, never give up.

The depression is very real and a very powerful force in my life that I am fortunately
able to recognise and deal with without the use of drugs. I tried the drug
route and convinced myself that it does not work for me. I am too involved and the
Zoloft made me feel nothing and I had rather have the pain. Nothing is nothing and
nothing hurts much more than the pain of past memories of failures. I hate to dwell
on the past and dwell on the past I am prone to do, but I need the reminder of past
failures. I am in need of the splendid, painful recalls I possess for failures. Without
which I would be destined to repeat the trips and falls into the pitfalls of my past.

Still the curse is that I am depressed too, by my past inequities. And by my loneliness
know that i am forever destined to be lonely. I see all of the happy couples, knowing that
I will never be one of them. I am not giving up on finding the right one for my heart, but it will have to be a right one, one that I see as right and not one simply for the connivance of a
companion. I want one I can get excited about making love to. One who is interested in
me and I in her. One who reads and is read; a writer, a poet, a passionate woman full of
love and compassion. She is out there waiting to find me and I her. We are destined for one another, the same way William was destined for Addie. They were two, a perfect pair, who
met by chance and stayed together for the rest of their lives. They never married and were
completed by one another, completely in love and each a perfect complement to the other.

I have been trying to force myself, for years, into relationships that are not meant for me.
Nicky, Scarlett, Anna and Michelle, just to name a few, put me down without a hint of being interested in me, what I have read, written or am writing. And I let them all inside my heart to tear off as much as they want without asking for anything in return. I'm not out to force myself in to any one's lives, but that is the way I am made to feel, like a fool, a desperate man. I guess I am, stalking the world over for a pretty young thing to take me in and take me on. No luck, it ain't about to happen. Finding love must be like winning the lottery, too many others out to win and the odds are too great. I need to put more energy in to writing and finishing something, and less time in pursuit of ghosts. My fantasy life, will have to sustain me for the time being.