Or any morning. This place makes me want to read and write.
I am comfortable here and I am calm here, I meditate here.
In here I find the most peace I have ever known.
I pray everyday for everyone I know to find this same level of
peace, love and understanding. I am alone here.
There are others here, into their own level of consciousness,
but me, I am here alone. I have to be alone to be enlightened.
Maybe I am not, but I feel I am. I care about the others here,
but not while I am off. The library was turned over to me.
I didn't want it. I did not want the responsibility, but it was
thrust upon me.
I am writing in my mind a new kind way of thinking about myself.
I have been self-loathing for so long.
I am trying a new approach to thinking that will free me from my loneliness.
If and when I am free I will have forgiven myself and just accepted my
aloneness. I am along and might as well.
I need to quit trying to be anything other than alone and write.
My heart is wanting to be with another heart.
I am trying to convince myself (my poor heart) to let go.
Let God be the ward of my heart, soul and spirit.
I have never been able to say or do the right thing.
I have left myself in this predicament and I am not satisfied,
but I am convinced this is it, all I have.
I am not worthy to be with none of the other souls I have craved over the last
twenty years and so I am trying to convince myself to just be alone.
Work, write, read and be alone.
I am convinced I am right in closing myself off from the rest of the world.
I don't seem to fit. I do not send the right signals out, say, or do the right things.
I am wrong in everything I say, do and maybe even write.
I don't have any way of knowing if this is the right thing to do,
until I try.
WPCannon
1304
27 February 2010
Mount Vernon Public Library
No comments:
Post a Comment