It's been over a year...

...since my last confession. Not much is changed. I'm still fat, ugly and alone. I have bad breath, bad teeth, body odor and low self esteem. (Any wonder) I'm alone? Not to me. I hate myself when I don't remember, I go in, sit down and try to talk to a woman. And then I see it in her eyes and remember. Too late by then, the damage is done. I live in a dump. I work two full time jobs and I'm broke.

I'm blessed. With all of this negativity in my life, I refuse to loose sight of all that I do have. I have my faith and I have my sobriety. Thank you Jesus, thank you Lord.

I was in the office today talking to Kay and she was polite to me (she's always polite) but I could see in her eyes; as plane as day, please go away. I walked out to the truck and if I had another joint in my leg, I would have kicked myself in the ass, all the way. I saw myself in her eyes just as plane as day. Why don't I remember, before it's too late? Before I make that fool of myself. I'm convinced I am supposed to feel this pain. All a part of my penance. I am doomed to repeat, over and over again, the same pain. I deserve the pain. I don't welcome it, but I do know from wince it came.