Monday, June 23, 2014

Having it Out with Myself



If many remedies are prescribed for an illness, you may
    be certain that the illness has no cure.
                        A.P. Chekhov, The Cherry Orchard

...or, shall I compare thee to the brambles and briars
of my life?
The complications, the wheelbarrows full of mulch?
The old buildings I scrape and paint?
The confusion and complications in not knowing
ways you make me feel some days when I was sure
everything was going well, but now I know it's not;
but I don't know why.

The maddening knots we tie ourselves into
the suddenness of wanting to be alone
the compulsion to lash out
the late feelings of guilt and sorrow
the empathy
the pain
of being alone and with you
at the same time,
but not knowing why?

...or, shall I compare thee to baseball
the summer sun, or
cold beer in the shade
of beach umbrellas
as the breeze
from all my past summers
containing the sameness,
the tallow of tanning lotions
the sand filling up with waves
of memories as high tide
washes in...

Oh, summer's day complete
this ideal dream
your close
heart beats in harmony
with mine.

...or, a spring evening
on the back porch of my life
feeling a damp coolness
sweeping up from the creek
out of the woods
across the garden
&
into my bones
while I smile an illegal smile
the kind Grand Marnier
will stem, but only
when I let it.

Journal Entry: 23 June 2014 A Mid Summer Night's Dream

I was back at driving; on a bus.
A scheduled run,
from where and to where,
I had not a clue.

I have longed
to be back at driving
the dream made this;
impossible, I know.

Lost souls always
remain lost and
fitful after short
Mid Summer night's sleep.

Lost most of the trip
naked at the wheel,
I find life leaving me behind.
A bus stop on wheels.

Where will this next
long day lead?
To a slightly longer night
I plead.

WPCannon
Havana, Florida
23June2014





Sunday, June 22, 2014

Journal Post: 22 June 2014

I was going to write tonight about today, but instead, no, I'm going to bed.Depressed people Love to sleep.

Shadow's Day Away



I dropped Shadow kitty off at a neutering clinic.
Shadow, the saddest cat I have ever known.
All the way home,
with Shadow on my mind,
I searched through emotions
for the poetry in Shadow's plight.
And when I arrived back at our house
there, four other cats were looking at me
wanting to know why;
and what had become of Shadow?

While we wait on Shadow’s return,
Avery, Alex, Ming, Yoda and I
are searching for a way
to write our worry away.
Looking for poetry
in everything!

Haiku for Shadow:

Shadow's day away
stressful, unnecessary
mister sprays no more.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Looking, still, for something to do!

Dear Friends and Neighbors in North Florida, I am new to the region and I am looking for work. What do I want to do? I want to contribute to this community. I want to work and I want to continue my education while I contribute to my parish, community and family. If anyone who reads this knows of anyone who needs a good, reliable, honest, dependable employee, please let me know. I am willing to share my resume and contact information with anyone who wants to see it. my email address: cannonw59@yahoo.com

I am 55 years old and I believe I have 10-15 good years still to work. I have been won over by the North Florida woods. I came here a year ago and I have been trying, on my own, to find a job utilizing on line job boards. I have had two interviews, but no job offers.

I moved to Havana from North Mobile County, Alabama in late May of 2013. I have come to Love the region and I have become a big fan of Tallahassee and the natural beauty of the area. The woods are filled with history and beauty. I adore the way the canopy roads are being preserved. I hope to explore more, but in order to do that I need to work, earn a living and have money to invest in investigating more of these woods and water ways.

I enjoy living close to Florida State University. I enjoyed baseball at Howser Stadium this Spring. The University is a wonderful resource and I would Love taking advantage of this educational resource to further my education. I wish I was a Librarian. I ought to have been a Librarian. I found  that out while serving as Vice President of the Mount Vernon (Alabama) Friends of the Library. During my tenure there we moved our Library into a new facility and I was drafted to assist a volunteer Librarian in cataloging the collection after the move. It was during that time that I found my true calling. I Love being in a building surrounded by books and information. I enjoyed being a part of that community and learning from a gracious and generous soul, my favorite Librarian, Angela Roberts. Bless her Heart for her generosity and willingness to share her knowledge with me. I will never forget those months we worked together moving the Mount Vernon Public Library. The Friends wrote Grants and secured funding to provide the community with a state of the art Technology Center inside the Library. The Friends also found funding to hire and pay a Library Director until the Town was able to hire a Librarian. These things all seemed to fall into place before my very eyes, as if by divine decree.

I hope to take advantage of FSU's college of information sciences while I am here. I look forward to learning new things every day. I have began by returning to school at Tallahassee Community College for a ASQ course through the Workforce Development Program. I am looking forward to putting some of that new knowledge to work in a  practical setting as soon as I find a new job. 

Peace&Love!

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Journal Entry: 21 May 2014: A Humane Society

I did not post yesterday. I wrote a letter to the Gadsden County Humane Society. They were sponsors of Havana Day last Saturday and I wanted to say thank you to them and offer my service as a volunteer. I may not be able to find a (paying) job, but volunteer work is easy to find.

In the letter I mentioned my cat, Avery and her cat, Alex, and how we all moved to Havana last year. We came here from Mount Vernon, Alabama in to my friend, Debra's home. We were only supposed to be here for a few months; long enough to find a job, save up some money and get out on our own. The job, I never found. We are still here. I am still looking for a work, Avery and Alex are learning to live with Debra's three cats and Hans, her chocolate Labrador, (who thinks he's a cat). I like living here, but at the same time I am struggling with shame based feelings of inadequacy. I am not lazy, I do want  to work, but at my age I am not having much luck finding anything. I keep Debra's house clean, I prepare our meals, I run errands and do what I can to help her, but is that enough?

Thank God for writing; I have this outlet to pour my grief into. I also have Havana Public Library, close by, I have books and writing to keep depression at bay. But depression has a way of creeping in and creeping up on me and providing me with many reasons to feel inadequate. I fight off the melancholy , but feel it's still there. Thank God for the VA Clinic and the Doctors and Nurses there, too. The VA provides me with the drugs I need to treat my Type II diabetes. Without that medicine, I would not need a job, I would be dead. There many other blessings I have in my life that I cannot fail to recognize. I pray a lot too and in contemplation I am made aware of  these good things in my life that I could very easily take for granted.

I have been observing the five cats I live with over the last year. Debra and I have come to a conclusion: Only two of the five are cats; Avery and Ming. Three of the five are transmigrating human souls trapped in cat bodies. Alex, Yoda and Shadow are curious little creatures who must have committed very grievous sins in their past lives and have been sentenced to cat purgatory to atone. Alex, we have come to believe was a policeman, prison guard or military commander. He has little patience with Yoda, but seems to mentor and have sympathy for Shadow. Shadow is the saddest cat I have ever known. He was Chinese, or of some other far eastern region of the world, who was woefully addicted to opium. Shadow has not adapted very well to being a cat;  he's a loner and I try to spend time alone with Shadow to let him know I Love him. Then there is Yoda; a black cat with white paws. He is white from his chin to his belly and under his nose he has a white mustache. Yoda also has a black furry heart on his chin. Yoda is the zen cat, and had to have been a burglar in his past, human, life. Yoda is a plundering cat, nothing, no drawer or closet in the house is safe from Yoda.

Rest assured, I will write more about the cats later and poor Hans, who has to be the sweetest, most loyal dog I have ever known. Peace&Love!

Monday, May 19, 2014

Journal Entry: 19 May 2014: Havana Writers

Tonight at the Havana Public Library, Havana Writers meet. I look forward to their meetings, these folks gather together to share our stories. Last month was my first meeting and I shared my essay, "Polenta of Grits". I was told that it was putrid and that I should burn it and stir the ashes. I  have been told I am not a poet and I have been told that I am not a writer. I don't agree or disagree, I keep on writing. Tonight I hope to share the start of another story, "Ghost Story" or "The Life". I am sure I will be put off my writing again. "You ought to just journal"; they may say, "for your own amusement." and not produce writing for other folks to have to endure.

I refuse to keep it to myself. Without a job, unemployed for more than a year, I write to keep from dwelling on that fact. I write for amusement, though I know what I write is not amusing; I get a kick out of producing some sign that I am here. I am here, therefore, I write. My journals, I have in the past, written out by hand in tablets. Now, I have just begun putting them out as these Blogger posts. I doubt anyone will notice, but in case anyone does, I am making them more legible and accessible. I repost these posts on facebook beneath, over and around the Writer's Almanac pieces that I find interesting and repost. That puts my journal's stream of conscious ramblings on my timeline for more folks to read and maybe they will still not want to read me, but be unable to turn away, plagued by the tedium and nonsense. Please forgive me if you have read this far and found yourself drowning in my irresponsible pleadings.

I would be willing to take a part-time job; did I mention that already? I may be too old now, too out of touch and part of the demographic that needs to fade away. I have a few good years left. If not a few, at least one or two. How old was Jerry Garcia when he died? Have I out lived Garcia? He had a faithful following and I have nothing. I sold my guitar before I moved to Havana. If I had a job I would try to buy another guitar and maybe this time, learn to play, start a band and tour the planet playing the guitar and singing the words that were never poetry to begin with.

After the Havana Writers meeting tonight, I plan to amend this journal entry, or at least add another paragraph about what happened with me at the meeting. I hope by the end of our meeting tonight I have a clearer direction for my writing. Peace&Love!

The meeting ended at eight o'clock. The Librarian had to run us out. I let the other members at the meeting read my short essay, The Life. I got good feed back mostly from people who are interested in the story and want to read more. That's good to hear. Thank You, fellow Havana Writers. It's good to hear good reviews. 

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Journal Entry: 18 May 2014



I know what Love is
I'm not in it though
I'm all for love and
music and the songs
I hear when I'm in
Love and falling
out of Love and the
pain Love causes
when I am in Love
and they are not
with me.

Romantic Love
intimacy is what
I miss. When reality
has set in; I had
my chance and it
didn't take.

Rain pours down
Now, every day,
every time I try
to Love her I see
my demise in her
eyes letting
me down gently
and Love crushes like
a giant granite boulder
on Wiley Coyote.

I swear off Love again
until she smiles
we talk about poetry,
baseball, writing,
or music and I hear
waves crashing on
the beaches of Love
reawakening
spring in me
I forget about the pain.

WPCannon
Havana, FL
18 May 2014

Saturday, May 17, 2014

Journal Entry: 17 May 2014 Havana Day: Maybe Today...

The streets of Havana are alive today; on Havana Day, my first Havana day. Almost a year I have been here. Nothing to do. I can't believe there is nothing for me to do. I go the the Library to read and to write. Write about good things I have seen over the past year. Not about bad things and most important thing of all, I don't give up, keep move forward and don't look back. I am thankful, too, for the many Blessings I have received in being here in Havana; a Lovely town in the North of Florida.

I walk to the Library on Saturday when the weather is bright and beautiful; like it is today. I am surrounded on my walks by Havana and it's austere beauty. I see more of the things I miss, on foot, than I do driving through. Havana was once a farm to market town that depended on the tobacco grown here to support the economy. Now there is no tobacco grown here. The old tobacco barns are used to sell other things. Havana is thriving any way it can, the same way we all have to do at times. A few days a year the town shuts down a few main streets and bands play, markets form in the streets and by advertisement, the town comes out to meet one another and others who wander through. That's what I like about the new town I live in; it comes out. The Others come from Tallahassee, Thomasville and Bainbridge to join us and we meet there on those closed off streets to celebrate days like these. Too beautiful to be inside I tell the girls, lets take the Library out, into the park for the day and set up under live oaks and read to the little ones who wonder by for a break. We will invite them to the Library for summer reading and all summer long have them there. The girls smile and promise that one of these days we will.

What a surprise and delight, days like these. On my way back to the house, I will walk back through Havana and linger longer. I will look for the man who sells the local honey and I will buy all that I can afford. I eat locally grown honey every day. I Love the way it makes me feel. My heart is with the bees. I also hope to find a garden near by. I Love sharing things I grow with community gardeners. I would grow more, but resources are very limited. I know Havana has a Community Garden and a Garden Club. Maybe today's the day we all connect. Maybe today is the day I find something more to do. Maybe today...

She says I can't bookend things like this Blogger Post or those Journal entries that I try to label as Poems. She being that one I live with who's suppose to be my first reader and editor. Who is supposed to encourage my writing. Being my Muse is not for her; she says. Resentment crept in at some point and now I can't count on her. That's too bad, because she's close by and it would be better for me to live in a nurturing environment. I suppose that's my own fault. I do not encourage her either. Another sad environment for us to live in. I came here hoping we would compliment one another and that both our musings would flourish. I have nothing better to so, so I muse often and when I do, I cause resentment. That's too sad for contemplation, but I do and it makes me, like I said,  very sad. Maybe the walk through Havana will cure the blues. On a Day Like this, that would be easy to do. Peace&Love!

Monday, May 12, 2014

A Ghost Story



This place I work, this hotel on Royal Street, is haunted. I have seen what I thought were spirits moving through here all of the time. I caught a glimpse of someone moving across a hall on the first floor one night. I was watching the closed circuit feed in the Loss Prevention Office and I saw a woman in a long dress. It was an old style dress with a billowy top—long sleeved, with ruffles and she was moving toward one of our meeting rooms, Riverboat, on the first floor. I thought she was a guest. It was very late, or early, actually, in the morning and she moved across one of the hallways up to the Riverboat door. I did not see her go in, but I did not see her walk away. All of the rooms were locked. I had locked them myself earlier during my shift. But, it is not unusual for our office to issue keys to guests who have booked our meeting rooms.  So, I got up and went to see for myself; who she was and where she was going. I was thinking: another insomniac, worrywart, up prowling, wanting to make sure all of her things were in order for her meeting in the morning. Before I left the office, I watched the closed circuit monitor for another ten or fifteen minutes to see if she came back out of the room and when she didn’t, I thought I’d go check on her myself.

   When I got to the room, the doors were locked, the lights were off. I unlocked, stuck my head in and across the room I saw a silhouette against the windows that made up the north side of the room. The ambient light around the courtyard illuminated the windows and her silhouette was like a shadow against the curtains that covered the windows.

   “I’m with the hotel. I saw you come in and I wanted to check on you. You were locked in. I saw you go by on your way in. You must have a key.” I said to her. She never turned her head toward the sound of my voice. And that seem strange to me. “Are you alright, can I help you?”

She never did turn toward me. All I could see was her profile—like a shadow against the curtains, against the window. She continued to stare straight ahead as she spoke.

   “I’ve been here one hundred-fifty years.” She said. “My home was here, on Royal Street, Mobile. Our parlor was here. I looked out on Royal Street everyday. I watched the world go by. I saw so much. I have seen so much.”

   Her voice trailed off. I thought she said she had been there a hundred-fifty years, but also thought she was speaking metaphorically. I was still not sure about her. It had still not dawned on me that she was not real—as in, another human being. I had thought I was carrying on a conversation, but now, thinking back on it, she talked and I listened.

   “A bullet took my life. It came from out on Royal Street; from the barrel of a gun being used in a duel. I had paused at the window to watch. The first sailor—a Cuban—fired and then the other—a merchant seaman from Mount Vernon, fired as he fell mortally wounded. His bullet found me.” She sounded very sad as she continued speaking. His name was DuCloux, Jacques DuCloux. Our spirits remained intertwined, here, for many years—an eternity it seemed and then his soul was put to rest and his spirit left mine here.”

   I remembered the flashlight I had on my belt. I took it out and lit it. I had it pointed at her, but where the light shown, she disappeared. I knew then, that she was my first ghost. The beam of light shown through her and she never seemed to notice. So, I kept listening.

   “I had a life that was unfulfilled when I was alive. I was educated, raised to love books, literature and learning. I married a man who cared for me and his children, and we cared for him, but there was nothing more and something was missing. I lived my life as a servant and nothing more. I came away from everyday wanting more. There was nothing. I never had time to read or a light in my life to read by. I wanted to write, but never owned so much as a pencil or tablet. And then it was over. I had always planned to begin, something, a poem, a journal, a letter to my husband; who was an educated man and I’m sure he would have approved of anything I wanted to do. He was, it seemed, satisfied with me. After I died, he kept the place as best he could. He finally had to get help for the children. They were the ones who suffered. They lived their lives more completely than I did and turned out well. But part of them died along with me. We suffered the loneliness together. Thank you for being here tonight and not being judgmental. I’m afraid I’m stranded in this plane. There is no one who’s praying for me; for my soul, and my spirit is stranded.”

   “I’m grateful to you for sharing that story with me. I’m not sure…well, up until tonight, I did not believe in ghosts, or spirits. Your being here and talking to me has made me at ease. I’m glad I followed you in here.” I said still not sure about this conversation. She had never really acknowledged my being there or addressed me deliberately.  And then she stunned me by saying…

   “You’re related to Jacques. I know this, but I’m not sure how I know it. I’m sure he’s praying to me and help my soul find peace.” She said. “I was never the kind of faithful person his mother was. And neither was he. God only knows how much praying it will take to get him caught up to his sainted mother and if there’s any place for my soul to go. This must be a kind of hell, or purgatory as the Catholics call it.”